Im at strip club and am horny
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
