It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
