All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
