I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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