I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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