All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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