You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
