did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
