In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
