Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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