I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
