I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
