She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
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I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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