You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
