i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
