Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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