Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
