hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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