my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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