your parents love me but you hate me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
