If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
