I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
