So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
