Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
