why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I think i got beer on your cat.
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