You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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