Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
