I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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