Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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