I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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