Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
