Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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