I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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