I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
