He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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