i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
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