sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
