I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
