i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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