I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
