omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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