and you said cock pushups were impossible
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
