he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
