the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
