Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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