theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
