I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
