today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
