Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My vagina is officially offended.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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