And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
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thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
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I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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