So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
