Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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