i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
