My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i believe in u and ur pee
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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